So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
