She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
