Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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