Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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