the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
