Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
