I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
