You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
