NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Dear god my vagina.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
