i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
