I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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