i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
