Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
