i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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