i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
