She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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