Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
