Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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