y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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