Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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