I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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