Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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