This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
