I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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