We're facebook friends in real life
I'm drive I can fine osifer
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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