Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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