it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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