i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
