Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
