how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize