She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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