Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
