i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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