Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
