You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
