You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
