mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
