Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
