Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
