you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
