Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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