I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
