Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I will die if light touches me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
