Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
