So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize