I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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