I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
