I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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