yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Randomize
