I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
