im drinking this country out of the recession.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
