Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
