i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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