alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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