During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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