nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
