STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
