I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize