Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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