He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize