my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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