I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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