And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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