Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
