Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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