He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
