She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
