her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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