i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
