If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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