A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
