just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
