Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm bleeding and have questions
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
