The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
