I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
