Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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