I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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