i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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